Building Trust

I have learned that no one will listen to you if they don’t trust you. Saying “believe me” or “you can trust me,” only increases distrust.  On the other hand, we listen to people we trust, and are tolerant of their lies, even if we know it is nonsensical.  

You’re not in the doghouse, you’re in the Yard – Southern saying

If the other person sees you as a dog, the job is really tough. Current politics is a great example of this.  Trump supporters believe everything he says and will fight or even kill for him. Many of them think democrats, rino’s (republicans in name only), and many minorities are not worthy of life. For Trump acolytes, which seems to include the entire Republican party nowadays, their stance is “if the other side is for it, we must be against it,” even if the other side has just agreed with you. Everyone else is just dumbfounded. 

We must still be in control and not lose our temper. Think of it this way, living in close proximity to strangers requires that we follow social norms or there would be chaos. Losing your temper, shouting, or becoming violent is not good. We must show our human-ness, meaning you show the ability to communicate, plan, and reason. Finally, one must learn to “play well with others.” This means knowing how to have a working relationship with others. This is commonly defined as showing mutual respect, communicating honestly, and being trustworthy (at least enough to believe people will say what they mean, do what they say, and will tell the truth).

Trustworthiness

It might seem odd that a psychiatrist would find the simplist explaination for how to do this in a business formula called The Trust Equation. This was developed by Harvard Business School consultants to help Uber plan how it could resolve its trust problem with investors and the public a few years ago.  David Maister, Charles Green, and Robert Galford created a formula to be used as a tool to show the interrelationship between four factors that make one trustworthy. The formula is subjective and does not use a questionnaire or test. Nevertheless, users find it useful to see what they are doing that makes them seem untrustworthy and helps them improve it. Look for more information on The Trust Equation website or their books for more information. See Trusted Advisor

Using The Trust Equation

For the sake of argument, let’s take the case of Daryl Davis and the KKK.  See Accidental Courtesy:  Daryl Davis, Race & America (2016). 

Davis is an African American musician who seeks out members of the KKK and other race-oriented hate groups to work on a one-on-one level to prove change can occur.  In the documentary, a KKK Grand Wizard called Davis to ask if he could use his band’s bus to go to their Klan meeting.  He said people were throwing rocks at them when they took their own cars. Instead of hanging up as a bad joke, Davis said he would loan the bus to them if they returned the bus unharmed with a full tank of gas. Upon their return, he invited the group into his home to talk.  The only ground rule was to be cordial and respectful of each other. Davis knew he was viewed with contempt and was certainly not at all that sure about trusting the Klansmen.  However, trust gradually increased. This Grand Wizard’s robe became the first of many when leaders left the Klan and gave him their robe.  At a different Klan meeting, the documentary showed him being defended by a Klansman who stopped hecklers by saying, “He had the courtesy to listen to us, and we should have the courtesy to listen to him.” 

In applying the Trust equation, at the start there was no trust, only suspicion. The KKK Wizard was probably very surprised Davis took him seriously. Davis did not lie (credibility), showed his vulnerability in trusting them (intimacy), kept his word in loaning the bus (reliability), and didn’t try to get the KKK to renounce their beliefs (low self-interest).  In fact both kept their promises, both suspended hostility, and both listened without trying to convert the other (low self-interest). In talking, they became human to each other.  

How to Improve Credibility

Credibility is the quality of being believable.  The best way to increase it is to demonstrate it.  Click here for ways Trusted Advisor lists to improve credibility. (Table 1 – Improving Credibility)

How to Improve Intimacy

Intimacy, in the context of building trust, is a sense of safety in sharing thoughts and feelings and an assurance that the information will be handled with respect and propriety.  It requires being transparent and open yourself, keeping confidences, setting, and accepting boundaries, being kind and generous, and showing gratitude. Click here for ways Trusted Advisor lists to improve intimacy. (Table 2 – Improving Intimacy)

How to Improve Reliability

Reliability is earned from repeated experiences over time.  Reliability is a byproduct of the person’s experience with you.  Probably the easiest sign of reliability is to be on time, call if you will be late, don’t cancel, and do whatever you say.  Click here for things Trusted Advisor lists that show reliability.  (Table 3 – Improving Reliability)

How to Reduce Self-Orientation  

Self-orientation is a psychological orientation in which a person is mainly concerned about oneself and not others.  This includes their desires, needs, or interests above all else.  Click here for things Trusted Advisor lists that demonstrate low self-orientation.  (Table 4 – Reducing Self-Orientation)

Self-orientation is even a detriment in social networking.  Self-absorbed people who view themselves as superior to others, post more selfies, and post more often, but actually feel socially excluded.  So being self-centered does not make you more likeable or trustworthy in any sphere.  See Self-Absorbed and Socially (Network) Engaged: Narcissistic Traits and Social Networking.

Check Your Blind Spots

Let me give some words of caution. We often do not see ourselves the way others see us, so get feedback from a confidant about how you score yourself. 

In addition, the difficulty most people have is evaluating their Self-Interest. The only goal should be like it is in psychotherapy, to just be able to talk openly with someone who tries to be objective, neutral, and nonjudgmental. Change is more likely to occur once you stop pushing for it. People are motivated to change because they see something is in it for them, not because you want it.

Basically, see yourself as a facilitator – a skill discussed later in Motivational Interviewing. Don’t expect to be a cheerleader or motivational speaker. Your job is only to help the person find a personal reason to change and support them through the process.

Finally remember these words of wisdom to remind you that you don’t have to change people to work with them or like them:  

“You don’t love because: you love despite; not for the virtues, but despite the faults.” – William Faulkner